Gendered Violence: Why It Still Happens by Tanvir Ali

Written By kayleigh milner

Trigger Warning This blog discusses domestic abuse, gender-based violence, childhood trauma, online harms, and incel culture. Some readers may find the content distressing. Please take care while reading and seek support if needed (see resources at end of the blog).

Introduction

This blog has been created for the 16 Days of Activism 2025 campaign as part of the UNiTE to End Digital Violence Against All Women and Girls initiative. It aims to support communities in recognising, understanding, and addressing digital violence including the growing harms linked to incel culture, which forms a key part of The Social Switch Project’s Online Harms training.  

At The Social Switch Project, we deliver a comprehensive programme designed to address the complex ecosystem of online harms that shape young people’s lives today.

Our facilitators bring together research, lived experience, safeguarding guidance, and practical tools to help youth workers, educators, parents, and communities create safer, more inclusive, and more equitable online spaces. The training recognises that online harm does not exist in isolation; it is connected to gendered violence, discrimination, mental health, and societal inequality.

Below is a deeply personal piece from a young person, sharing their lived experience to help us all better understand why tackling gendered violence online and offline is so urgent.

A Childhood Memory

I thought my mother was dead. She lay on the floor, motionless, her body lifeless, or so it seemed. The room was silent except for my father’s heavy breathing. My heart thudded in my chest, but I felt nothing. I was around 6 years old when this happened and by then, violence was routine. Straight after, my father took me to London Bridge, pretending nothing had happened. The city lights sparkled against the Thames as if the world was normal. That was his pattern: every time he beat my mum, he’d take me out, as if a day in the city could erase the bruises. I felt like the only child in the world whose mother was beaten black and blue. But why? Why does this happen? This question haunted me then, and it still does today. To understand, we need to look at the scale of gendered violence and why it persists.

The scale of the Problem?

The memory of that night stayed with me, among countless others but as I grew older, I learned something even more chilling: my family’s story wasn’t unique. Gendered violence is everywhere, hidden behind closed doors, whispered about in hushed tones, and often ignored by those who should protect us.

You see, my grandparents are from Bangladesh. In the Bengali community, domestic violence is something that should be kept private. It’s not anybody else’s problem to deal with. You just carry on with life as if it’s normal. That silence becomes a cage.

The numbers are shocking. In England and Wales, 3.8 million people aged 16 and over experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2025. 2.2 million of them were women. One in four adults have experienced domestic abuse since age 16. These aren’t just numbers, they’re lives shattered, homes broken, and futures stolen.

Imagine the silence in those homes: muffled cries, slammed doors, fear hanging in the air. Gendered violence isn’t just physical, it’s psychological, financial, and emotional. It thrives in secrecy, and it’s a national crisis.

If this problem is so widespread, we must ask: why does gendered violence happen? What makes someone hurt the person they claim to love?

Why Does Gendered Violence Happen?

To understand gendered violence, we need to look at its roots. It’s not new, it’s been around for generations. At its core is a power imbalance: men have long been seen as the ones in charge, and women as less important. This belief gave rise to patriarchal societies.

Professor of anthropology Ruth Mace from UCL says patriarchy isn’t natural, it grew out of wealth and power. When men-controlled land and money, women lost independence, and violence became a way to keep control. Gendered violence isn’t random; it’s built into cultural norms that give men entitlement and demand women’s obedience. From controlling women’s sexuality to enforcing silence, patriarchy creates the conditions for abuse.

History shows patriarchy comes back when institutions fail. Whether it’s the Taliban restricting women’s freedom, or girls in Yemen being force-fed to prepare for marriage. These aren’t isolated events; they’re part of a global struggle over power. Patriarchy isn’t inevitable. It came from systems that rewarded male dominance, and it survives because attitudes towards women change too slowly. Why fix what isn’t “broken”? The truth is that women are broken. It’s our eyes that refuse to see.

Gendered violence isn’t just about individuals, it’s reinforced by laws, traditions, and even online spaces that normalise misogyny. Patriarchy teaches men that dominance is power and women’s silence is survival. These beliefs don’t disappear overnight they’re passed down through generations.

Gendered violence takes many forms. Domestic abuse hides behind closed doors, leaving scars that last a lifetime. Sexual violence strips victims of safety. Coercive control erases freedom without leaving a bruise. Online harassment turns the internet into another battlefield. To tackle the problem, we must understand all these forms.

So, why does gendered violence happen? The answer is complicated: it’s history, culture, and power. Until we break these patterns, the cycle will continue.

Support Systems and Why Men Abuse

Domestic abuse is physical harm, threats, and intimidation in relationships. Sexual violence is any non-consensual sexual act. Coercive control is when someone dominates by isolating, monitoring, or restricting their partner.

 I remember my dad couldn’t keep a job, but my mum’s café wages always went to him. Her manager, now a close friend, secretly gave my mum extra money to hide. That’s financial abuse, cutting off access to money and trapping victims.

Today, online harassment is another battlefield: cyberstalking, threats, and revenge porn target women constantly.

Each type of violence needs different support. For women facing domestic abuse, organisations like Refuge and Women’s Aid offer safe housing, helplines, and advocacy. I heard of a woman who escaped abuse but couldn’t get government help because she was a migrant. Many women marry someone from the UK hoping for a better life, only to end up financially trapped by an abuser.

Support isn’t just for victims. To break the cycle, we must also help perpetrators change. Charities like Respect work with men who have been abusive, helping them confront toxic patterns. The ManKind Initiative supports male victims, because gendered violence affects everyone.

Why do some men abuse? Often, it’s about control, shaped by learned behaviours and social norms that link masculinity to dominance. Childhood exposure to violence, trauma, and cultural conditioning all play a part. When power feels threatened, whether by financial stress, shifting gender roles, or personal insecurity, violence can become a way to try to regain control. Understanding these reasons is key to breaking the cycle.

But these behaviours don’t exist in isolation. Modern challenges, like online spaces and extremist ideologies, are making things worse.

Modern Challenges: The Internet and Incel Culture

Online cultures like incel communities make gendered violence worse. Incel groups such as men who call themselves “involuntarily celibate” often blame women for their problems and treat them as the enemy. This thinking doesn’t stay online; it leads to real-world violence. In 2021, Jake Davison killed five people in Plymouth after posting misogynistic content linked to incel ideology. Elliot Rodger killed six in California in 2014, and Alek Minassian killed ten in Toronto in 2018, both inspired by similar beliefs. These cases show how online hate can turn into gendered terror.

Social media and forums amplify these dangers. They become echo chambers for misogyny, where harassment, revenge porn, and doxxing target women. Algorithms push harmful content further. The digital age has made gendered violence borderless, anonymous, and harder to police.

Tackling these challenges takes more than charity work. We need systemic change, stronger laws, and a justice system that refuses to look away.

How Do We Tackle Gendered Violence?

Reacting to violence isn’t enough, we need proactive change. Community workshops teaching consent and healthy relationships are vital to break harmful norms early. Therapy and intervention programmes can help both victims and perpetrators. But without proper funding and public support, these solutions can feel out of reach. With investment, we can make a real difference.

Charities and communities work hard, but the justice system often fails. Victims get little support. Cases are minimised. Sometimes, being stalked, harassed, or beaten isn’t enough, you must be killed to be taken seriously.

My mum went through all of this. Hospital reports and pleas for help weren’t enough for the police. A female officer told her “We can’t do anything to help you”, only that we should “run away.” So, we did. We left home with nowhere to go. We were homeless, leaving family and friends behind. I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but to show a painful truth: when institutions fail, victims pay the price.

Why Don’t Women Just Leave?

“Why don’t they just leave?” is what a girl from my class at uni once said in a snarky tone when discussing domestic abuse. As infuriated as I was by it, it’s a question that oversimplifies a deeply complex reality. Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for a victim. Psychology plays a huge role. Many victims experience trauma bonding; a strong emotional tie formed through cycles of abuse and affection. This can feel like addiction, making it incredibly hard to break free. Research from Cambridge shows abusers often “weaponize love,” creating psychological captivity. Fear of retaliation, money worries, isolation, and concern for children all make leaving harder. Victims may hope the abuser will change or feel guilt and shame. Most women try to leave several times before they succeed.

Leaving isn’t a simple choice, it’s a risky move, often made without support. Instead of asking why women don’t leave, we should ask: what can society do to make leaving safe?

Conclusion

Gendered violence destroys lives, yet it’s often ignored until it’s too late. It’s not just about bad relationships, it’s about power, control, and a system that fails to protect. Leaving isn’t simple. Fear, money, and emotional ties keep victims trapped.

We can change this. Teach respect early. Fund support services. Demand action from the justice system. Silence helps abuse thrive, speaking up can save lives. The question isn’t “why don’t they leave?” The real question is: why do we allow this to continue?

Resources

Immediate Safeguarding Pathways

Specialist VAWG & Online Harm Reporting

 

kayleigh milner
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Digital Violence: Why It Matters in 2025